Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
