dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
