so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
