What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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