If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
