Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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