he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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