so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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