WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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