She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
