Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
