I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Randomize
