Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
