im drinking this country out of the recession.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
