you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
