What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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