Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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