if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
