So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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