There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
