he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
