He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
