just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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