Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
