Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
