Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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