I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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