i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
