I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
