Kareoke will never be a sober sport
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
