This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So squirting runs in the family.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
