Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the condom got lost in my hair
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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