Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize