Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
