i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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