just come out here and I will go home with you...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
