I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
