I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
