you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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