I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
