Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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