Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
only you would photoshop your dick
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
