i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
