My sheets look like a crime scene.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
