take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize