I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
