my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
