my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
