This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
