Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
nutella sex= disaster
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
