i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
