Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
