She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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