Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
