I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
