I feel great
I just peed on a car
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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