Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
