You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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